OK, so where was I in the Kidney Stone Saga? Oh yes . . . .
So Monday I woke up at 6 a.m., having to pee really badly and half starving. While I peed, the nurse informed me that my doc wrote my orders to go NPO after 7 a.m. Breakfast didn't come until 8:30. I got seriously upset because I was HUNGRY dammit, so the nurse told me she'd call the kitchen and ask them to send me up something right away. I fell back to sleep and was awakened by the staff bringing my roommate's breakfast at 8:15. I literally started crying as my stomach growled angrily in protest. The nurse came in shortly after and realized my breakfast never came, so she left to yell at the kitchen and tell them to get me some food NOW.
At that moment, my doctor came in and said that he anticipated some surgical cancellations due to the coming snow, so he was going to TRY to get my surgery moved up. So no food, no drink, no nothing. ::sniff, stomach growls::
Doc left, kitchen woman came in with my breakfast. Do you know she actually had the NERVE to get mad at ME when she had to take it away???? I wanted that food, lady!!
Not long after that, I got to take a BetaSept shower with the assistance of a very cute and rather entertaining male CNA. I can now officially say I have showered with a man.
And that surgery? Didn't happen until 1:30. Would have happened slightly earlier, but my IV decided to infiltrate, and the nice lady from infusion services had to bring her sonogram machine up to find a decent vein into which to place the new IV.
I went home on Tuesday and still spent a lot of time in bed due to the pain. I had the stones blasted on Thursday. Before leaving the house, I took 15 mg of Lortab, but I was still in tears by the time we got to Salina. There used to be a time when 5 mg knocked me flat. The staff tried to rush an IV so they could give me morphine, but one simply cannot rush an IV in these veins. By the time they got it in, I had been lying down long enough that my back no longer hurt, so I passed on the morphine.
I've learned something in all this -- I am not the drug lightweight that I always thought I was. The anesthesiologist told me that he usually gives 15 of whatever to put someone out for the sonic blast, but he had to give me 25 -- and I kept waking up. I know because I remember it. He was surprised, he said, because I am "so small."
Oh yeah -- that IV infiltrated, too. That time it was so bad my entire hand was swollen for three days. The previous time only my wrist was swollen just a little.
The pain has been a lot better since the ultrasonic blast routine -- except for the last couple of days, that is. I actually had to call the doc's office this morning because it hurt so much to pee that I couldn't breathe. The nurse suggested that the stint is probably moving up and down and causing some inflammation. SOOOO, I'm to alternate my Percocet for pain with 600-800 mg of ibuprofen for the inflammation. Seems to be working because I haven't been hurting as much today.
Other than that, I go back on the 10th to see how things are progressing and strain my urine in the meantime.
And that's all the current fun in Dawnville.
Friday, March 31, 2006
Saturday, March 25, 2006
The Last Two Weeks, Part I
So, on Monday the 13th, P was supposed to have a doctor's appointment in Hutch, but it turned out his doc had gone on vacation and his secretary decided not to notify anyone. I wasn't feeling so hot (as evidenced by the fact I didn't ask to go to Taco Hut), and it just seemed to get worse as the week wore on. By the end of Tuesday I was having extreme nausea and cramps and an incredible back ache, but a hot rice bag took care of the latter and subsequently the former. More aches and nausea on Wednesday, so much so that I took a nap in the afternoon. Same on Thursday. Thought I was just dealing with the flu, but then the backache got so bad Thursday night that I begged Dad for one of his muscle relaxers (I NEVER take other people's prescriptions) and just crawled in bed and cried and cried.
Friday morning I dragged my aching ass out of bed and in to the doctor's. He was very worried about my symptoms and the fact that I hadn't eaten or drunk anything in about four days. He had me admitted to the hospital for tests.
First there was x-ray which was uneventful. Then there were the poor guys from anesthesia who tried for an hour and a half to get a PICC line in me but couldn't get the tube to thread. They finally got an IV, which shocked the hell out of me.
Then came the numb-nuts RN to straight-line cath me for a UA (had to cath me for it since I'd started my period the day before). She stuck the tube in my vagina. I told her so, she argued with me (like I don't know my vaginal opening from my urethra -- I mean, I realize I'm not getting any, but I know the difference!), she finally found my urethra, and it felt like she was trying to stick the damn thing through my body wall. I think I might've screamed because she went away. She brought in another RN to try. SHE stuck the tube in my vagina. I told her so, she argued with me, she finally found my urethra, and while I still felt remarkably like a shish kabob, they managed to get the damn sample. I had to pee, and RN #1 suggested leaving in the cath until I was empty. I said something along the lines of, "Get the damn thing out of me and get a bed pan." Or something like that.
Later that night, after a visit from my dad and later Linda, Nathan, Alysha, and Becky from my folks' church (when Alysha gave me a piece of her artwork as a get well), I had a CT scan which was rather interesting. Got kinda mesmerized by the magnet thingy going around and around. And lots of blood milked out of my ring finger. Found out I was extremely acidotic, so much so that everyone was amazed that I didn't feel worse. It was due to my dehydration.
When my doc admitted me to the hospital, he admitted me as NPO (meaning I could have nothing by mouth). No water, no ice chips, no nothing. So naturally, I was so thirsty I wanted to scream. Everyone kept saying it would get better after my IV fluids were started, but it was a while. I whined and complained so much that Doc put me on ice chips in the late afternoon, so whenever someone came in the room (my dad, a nurse, an aide), their entry fee was a spoonful of ice. By late night (after 10 or 11 p.m.) I was allowed clear liquids. By morning I was allowed a regular diet, but I limited myself to full liquids (so I could have soup and pudding) -- I just didn't trust my tummy.
By Saturday morning the verdict was in -- kidney stone on the left, too big to pass. I was told I'd be sent to Salina on Monday, but it was changed to Sunday about fifteen seconds after Edie walked in after driving from Augusta to see me. The transfer was delayed a bit after the latest blood work showed my potassium was too low. They tried to drip the potassium directly into me over a two hour period, but the stuff set my arm on fire, so they wound up mixing two parts saline with one part potassium and dripping that into me over four hours. At one point I asked, "Why don't we just tell Salina to hold on until tomorrow, and I'll eat a couple of bananas today?"
I was taken to Salina via ambulance (with my lovely egg crate -- wasn't forgetting THAT baby) where I met the urologist who was taking me over. He scheduled me to have a stint placed in my ureter at 4:00 the next afternoon, and that evening I had my first meal in a week. I was actually hungry, and I was very glad I wasn't having surgery the next morning so that I could get in TWO meals. I tell you, a turkey sandwich and baby carrots never tasted so good.
Friday morning I dragged my aching ass out of bed and in to the doctor's. He was very worried about my symptoms and the fact that I hadn't eaten or drunk anything in about four days. He had me admitted to the hospital for tests.
First there was x-ray which was uneventful. Then there were the poor guys from anesthesia who tried for an hour and a half to get a PICC line in me but couldn't get the tube to thread. They finally got an IV, which shocked the hell out of me.
Then came the numb-nuts RN to straight-line cath me for a UA (had to cath me for it since I'd started my period the day before). She stuck the tube in my vagina. I told her so, she argued with me (like I don't know my vaginal opening from my urethra -- I mean, I realize I'm not getting any, but I know the difference!), she finally found my urethra, and it felt like she was trying to stick the damn thing through my body wall. I think I might've screamed because she went away. She brought in another RN to try. SHE stuck the tube in my vagina. I told her so, she argued with me, she finally found my urethra, and while I still felt remarkably like a shish kabob, they managed to get the damn sample. I had to pee, and RN #1 suggested leaving in the cath until I was empty. I said something along the lines of, "Get the damn thing out of me and get a bed pan." Or something like that.
Later that night, after a visit from my dad and later Linda, Nathan, Alysha, and Becky from my folks' church (when Alysha gave me a piece of her artwork as a get well), I had a CT scan which was rather interesting. Got kinda mesmerized by the magnet thingy going around and around. And lots of blood milked out of my ring finger. Found out I was extremely acidotic, so much so that everyone was amazed that I didn't feel worse. It was due to my dehydration.
When my doc admitted me to the hospital, he admitted me as NPO (meaning I could have nothing by mouth). No water, no ice chips, no nothing. So naturally, I was so thirsty I wanted to scream. Everyone kept saying it would get better after my IV fluids were started, but it was a while. I whined and complained so much that Doc put me on ice chips in the late afternoon, so whenever someone came in the room (my dad, a nurse, an aide), their entry fee was a spoonful of ice. By late night (after 10 or 11 p.m.) I was allowed clear liquids. By morning I was allowed a regular diet, but I limited myself to full liquids (so I could have soup and pudding) -- I just didn't trust my tummy.
By Saturday morning the verdict was in -- kidney stone on the left, too big to pass. I was told I'd be sent to Salina on Monday, but it was changed to Sunday about fifteen seconds after Edie walked in after driving from Augusta to see me. The transfer was delayed a bit after the latest blood work showed my potassium was too low. They tried to drip the potassium directly into me over a two hour period, but the stuff set my arm on fire, so they wound up mixing two parts saline with one part potassium and dripping that into me over four hours. At one point I asked, "Why don't we just tell Salina to hold on until tomorrow, and I'll eat a couple of bananas today?"
I was taken to Salina via ambulance (with my lovely egg crate -- wasn't forgetting THAT baby) where I met the urologist who was taking me over. He scheduled me to have a stint placed in my ureter at 4:00 the next afternoon, and that evening I had my first meal in a week. I was actually hungry, and I was very glad I wasn't having surgery the next morning so that I could get in TWO meals. I tell you, a turkey sandwich and baby carrots never tasted so good.
Tuesday, March 14, 2006
For Stacie
I'll have to call you to give you my email addresses -- I don't like to post those on a public board. Are your home and mobile phone numbers still the same? When is a good time to call you?
Friday, March 10, 2006
Quizzes
| You Are Lara Croft |
 "Everything lost is meant to be found." |
| Your Inner Pop Princess Is Kelly Clarkson |
 "Grew up in a small town And when the rain would fall down I'd just stare out my window Dreaming of what could be" No doubt about it, you have star quality. Might just take a while to get there. |
Thursday, March 09, 2006
It's raining!
It's raining!
It's raining!
It's raining!
It's raining!
It's raining!
It's raining!
IT'S RAINING!!!!
::does happy gimp kitties::
It's raining!
It's raining!
It's raining!
It's raining!
It's raining!
IT'S RAINING!!!!
::does happy gimp kitties::
Wednesday, March 08, 2006
Careful -- I'll wrap you up in my web!!
Your results:
You are Spider-Man
Click here to take the Superhero Personality Test
You are Spider-Man
| You are intelligent, witty, a bit geeky and have great power and responsibility.  |
Click here to take the Superhero Personality Test
Saturday, March 04, 2006
Fun times with my pals
Lynlee drove up from Wichita last Saturday to hang out. We drove into Hutch and had lunch at my fave fast food place -- Taco Hut. She had heard an ad on the radio about a yarn place in Hutch, and my mom thought she was talking about Yarn Yard, so after lunch we went there. It was an OK place, but you could tell it had been around a while. There were boxes every-freaking-where, and it was rather difficult for Reba and me to get around. I finally found where the lady had some cross-stitch kits, but it was impossible for me to get back to look at them, so I went back up to the front and just looked at the patterns. I found a Lavender & Lace brand angel that I'd like to make for one of my online pals who is COMPLETELY into angels. L found some really soft yarn.
After that we headed to the Renaissance Shoppe to check in on owner Connie. I love Connie, and I love her shop, even if this WAS only the second time I'd ever been in it. Connie is the person from whom I bought my mahogany obsidian pendulum at the RenFaire. She had two m.o. eggs and a lot of m.o. rocks in the shop that day, but none of them were speaking to me. I DID, however, find an amber ring (cognac, almost cherry), an amber pendant (with butterscotch, cognac, and green stones done in a five-pointed star), and a rainbow moonstone pendant. I spent a lot of money there -- but not as much as Lynlee! She got her money's worth though -- she also got an amber ring and a moonstone pendant, but she also got a beautiful crystal sphere that looked like it was just singing to her. She could hardly put it down once she picked it up. It really wanted to go home with her, so it did.
As we were paying for our riches, Lynlee mentioned the radio ad she had heard and that she remembered a 14 and a 15 in the address. Christine grabbed the phone book and found a place called simply Yarn -- at 15 East 14th. We went there and found a hip yarn shop with a coffee bar, a fireplace, and inviting tables and chairs for looking at crochet books or working on projects. And ALL KINDS of groovy yarn. I'm going to have to take Mom back there and pick out some yarn for her to make me some socks and/or hats out of. I think socks made out of merino wool or alpaca would just be heavenly. Though, if I pick a wool, I may have to pay L to make them for me since Mom's kind of allergic to wool.
I rode into Hutch with Mom yesterday to run errands. She had to get some money orders for Dad so he could pay his bills, and she had to get a money order to pay my uncle who was at our house with his crew laying the slab for the addition (my folks are adding a master bedroom and handicap-accessible bathroom to the North side of the house). We paid Alltel, Sears, and Home Depot for him, then went to Walmart to get stuff for lunch. As we walked in the door, there was a display full of "Walk the Line" DVDs. My folks' anniversary is tomorrow, so I grabbed the movie for Dad -- I even splurged the extra $3 and got the bonus pack with the soundtrack CD. I had no idea what my mom wanted, so we headed over to the jewelry counter and I told her to pick out something. There were quite a few mystic topaz rings (I got her a m.t. earring/necklace set for Christmas, and she LOVES it), but they were "too expensive," according to her. She finally picked out a braided silver bracelet that fits JUST RIGHT on her wrist so that she can even wear it to work and not worry about it catching on a resident's wheelchair. While she was being indecisive, I found a pair of CZ earrings cut into the shape of stars, and Mom showed me another pair of star earrings. I got both. On this particular trip, I also found something groovy for Naomi (not saying what just in case she reads this) and the new Laurell K. Hamilton "novelette." While there, Dad called to ask us to bring home charcoal, hamburgers, and buns -- he decided to make Uncle Marvin and crew lunch as an additional thank you.
By the time we got home, though, everyone but Uncle Marvin had left or was going to leave. My uncle stayed, though, and it was nice. I don't get to hang out with my mom's side of the family much since the family blow-up eight or nine years ago (when my grandparents sold their land -- including the acreage we were living on that my parents had been given as a wedding present -- to my cousin, and then she wanted to charge my folks rent on the land and wouldn't even THINK about selling them the acreage). It was nice to be able to talk with him for a while. He asked me tons of questions about New Orleans and seemed glad to get an "insider's" POV.
Late in the afternoon, Elizabeth drove out. We had supper and then went to see "Firewall." The movie was entertaining, as long as you don't think TOO hard about some of the things that might actually happen in real life. E cracked me up after the movie was over when she asked, "Is it bad that I was thinking all through that last fight scene: 'Harrison Ford is going to break a hip'?" ::laughing:: I love HF, have since Star Wars, but he IS getting a bit too up there to be doing action flicks. Like E said, it's time for him to go the Robert Redford route. I do have to say that Paul Bettany is hot even as a bad guy. He does COLD really well. My favorite character of his, though, is still Chaucer in "A Knight's Tale."
Incidentally, there were no cops on this outing with E. ::grin::
After that we headed to the Renaissance Shoppe to check in on owner Connie. I love Connie, and I love her shop, even if this WAS only the second time I'd ever been in it. Connie is the person from whom I bought my mahogany obsidian pendulum at the RenFaire. She had two m.o. eggs and a lot of m.o. rocks in the shop that day, but none of them were speaking to me. I DID, however, find an amber ring (cognac, almost cherry), an amber pendant (with butterscotch, cognac, and green stones done in a five-pointed star), and a rainbow moonstone pendant. I spent a lot of money there -- but not as much as Lynlee! She got her money's worth though -- she also got an amber ring and a moonstone pendant, but she also got a beautiful crystal sphere that looked like it was just singing to her. She could hardly put it down once she picked it up. It really wanted to go home with her, so it did.
As we were paying for our riches, Lynlee mentioned the radio ad she had heard and that she remembered a 14 and a 15 in the address. Christine grabbed the phone book and found a place called simply Yarn -- at 15 East 14th. We went there and found a hip yarn shop with a coffee bar, a fireplace, and inviting tables and chairs for looking at crochet books or working on projects. And ALL KINDS of groovy yarn. I'm going to have to take Mom back there and pick out some yarn for her to make me some socks and/or hats out of. I think socks made out of merino wool or alpaca would just be heavenly. Though, if I pick a wool, I may have to pay L to make them for me since Mom's kind of allergic to wool.
I rode into Hutch with Mom yesterday to run errands. She had to get some money orders for Dad so he could pay his bills, and she had to get a money order to pay my uncle who was at our house with his crew laying the slab for the addition (my folks are adding a master bedroom and handicap-accessible bathroom to the North side of the house). We paid Alltel, Sears, and Home Depot for him, then went to Walmart to get stuff for lunch. As we walked in the door, there was a display full of "Walk the Line" DVDs. My folks' anniversary is tomorrow, so I grabbed the movie for Dad -- I even splurged the extra $3 and got the bonus pack with the soundtrack CD. I had no idea what my mom wanted, so we headed over to the jewelry counter and I told her to pick out something. There were quite a few mystic topaz rings (I got her a m.t. earring/necklace set for Christmas, and she LOVES it), but they were "too expensive," according to her. She finally picked out a braided silver bracelet that fits JUST RIGHT on her wrist so that she can even wear it to work and not worry about it catching on a resident's wheelchair. While she was being indecisive, I found a pair of CZ earrings cut into the shape of stars, and Mom showed me another pair of star earrings. I got both. On this particular trip, I also found something groovy for Naomi (not saying what just in case she reads this) and the new Laurell K. Hamilton "novelette." While there, Dad called to ask us to bring home charcoal, hamburgers, and buns -- he decided to make Uncle Marvin and crew lunch as an additional thank you.
By the time we got home, though, everyone but Uncle Marvin had left or was going to leave. My uncle stayed, though, and it was nice. I don't get to hang out with my mom's side of the family much since the family blow-up eight or nine years ago (when my grandparents sold their land -- including the acreage we were living on that my parents had been given as a wedding present -- to my cousin, and then she wanted to charge my folks rent on the land and wouldn't even THINK about selling them the acreage). It was nice to be able to talk with him for a while. He asked me tons of questions about New Orleans and seemed glad to get an "insider's" POV.
Late in the afternoon, Elizabeth drove out. We had supper and then went to see "Firewall." The movie was entertaining, as long as you don't think TOO hard about some of the things that might actually happen in real life. E cracked me up after the movie was over when she asked, "Is it bad that I was thinking all through that last fight scene: 'Harrison Ford is going to break a hip'?" ::laughing:: I love HF, have since Star Wars, but he IS getting a bit too up there to be doing action flicks. Like E said, it's time for him to go the Robert Redford route. I do have to say that Paul Bettany is hot even as a bad guy. He does COLD really well. My favorite character of his, though, is still Chaucer in "A Knight's Tale."
Incidentally, there were no cops on this outing with E. ::grin::
Tuesday, February 21, 2006
Grins
Read in the February 2006 issue of Discover:
"Bats with bigger testicles have smaller brains, according to research published by the U.K.'s Royal Society. No equivalent study is planned for humans."
Who says scientists don't have senses of humour?
"Bats with bigger testicles have smaller brains, according to research published by the U.K.'s Royal Society. No equivalent study is planned for humans."
Who says scientists don't have senses of humour?
Note to snackers
Don't leave your chocolate-covered raisins sitting in front of the little desk heater when you go to have lunch. They melt in the cup, not in your mouth.
Monday, February 20, 2006
Etcetera and blah blah blah
Not much going on 'round here. Been reading my FA articles amidst an emotional roller coaster. I think it's due partially to hormones and maybe also a touch of depression. I made a king cake a couple of weeks ago to take to a church function (well, Mom made it and I directed), and it made me pretty sad. I got to thinking of my friends in NOLA and NOLA itself and what a freaking mess it all still is and so on and so on. Then that night I talked to my friend Erica, and I just got sadder. It's hard to explain so I'll not even try.
But the cloud has hung on for two weeks -- enough that I have had a couple of days where I didn't read any articles but just moped all day. I have days where I'm fine and days where I just cry over stupid shit -- like the day I sobbed in Walmart because I couldn't find any dark chocolate Hershey's Kisses and because Dad wanted Taco Bell for lunch instead of Arby's. Then there's the big shit that makes me cry -- like UNO purging my hours this semester because the Board of Regents didn't pay my tuition this semester or last. They've been paying ME, but they haven't paid UNO.
Despite all this, I'll still be ready to start writing on my review next week, and that has made me a little happier. I've been trying to read for fun, too. I just finished Michael Crichton's State of Fear, and yesterday I started Stephen King's new one, Cell. AND I'm looking forward to spending some time with my good friend Lynlee who is driving up from Wichita on Saturday to rescue me from the blah that is my life at the moment.
But the cloud has hung on for two weeks -- enough that I have had a couple of days where I didn't read any articles but just moped all day. I have days where I'm fine and days where I just cry over stupid shit -- like the day I sobbed in Walmart because I couldn't find any dark chocolate Hershey's Kisses and because Dad wanted Taco Bell for lunch instead of Arby's. Then there's the big shit that makes me cry -- like UNO purging my hours this semester because the Board of Regents didn't pay my tuition this semester or last. They've been paying ME, but they haven't paid UNO.
Despite all this, I'll still be ready to start writing on my review next week, and that has made me a little happier. I've been trying to read for fun, too. I just finished Michael Crichton's State of Fear, and yesterday I started Stephen King's new one, Cell. AND I'm looking forward to spending some time with my good friend Lynlee who is driving up from Wichita on Saturday to rescue me from the blah that is my life at the moment.
Wednesday, February 15, 2006
Can you believe it?
The WSU men's basketball team is currently #1 in the Missouri Valley Conference thanks to a last second (literally) corner shot last night to beat Creighton, making them 12-4 in the conference.
::shakes head::
Would be groovy if they could hold on to it. I wonder how many conference games are left in the season? Gina?
::shakes head::
Would be groovy if they could hold on to it. I wonder how many conference games are left in the season? Gina?
Tuesday, February 07, 2006
The World of a Friend
Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born.
Anais Nin
Anais Nin
Thursday, February 02, 2006
Sisters
Swiped from Gina's blog
A young wife sat on a sofa on a hot humid day, drinking iced tea and visiting with her Mother. As they talked about life, about marriage, about the responsibilities of life and the obligations of adulthood, the mother clinked the ice cubes in her glass thoughtfully and turned a clear, sober glance upon her daughter.
"Don't forget your Sisters," she advised, swirling the tea leaves to the bottom of her glass. "They'll be more important as you get older. No matter how much you love your husband, no matter how much you love the children you may have, you are still going to need Sisters. Remember to go places with them now and then; do things with them."
Remember that 'Sisters' means ALL the women... Your girlfriends, your daughters, and all your other women relatives too. "You'll need other women. Women always do." 'What a funny piece of advice!' the young woman thought. 'Haven't I just gotten married? Haven't I just joined the couple-world? I'm now a married woman, for goodness sake! A grownup! Surely my husband and the family we may start will be all I need t o make my life worthwhile!' But she listened to her Mother. She kept contact with her Sisters and made more women friends each year. As the years tumbled by, one after another, she gradually came to understand that her Mom really knew what she was talking about.
As time and nature work their changes and their mysteries upon a woman, Sisters are the mainstays of her life. After more than 50 years of living in this world, here is what I've learned:
Time passes.
Life happens.
Distance separates.
Children grow up.
Jobs come and go.
Love waxes and wanes.
Men don't do what they're supposed to do.
Hearts break.
Parents die.
Colleagues forget favors.
Careers end.
BUT.........
Sisters are there, no matter how much time and how many miles are between you.
A girl friend is never farther away than needing her can reach.
When you have to walk that lonesome valley and you have to walk it by yourself, the women in your life will be on the valley's rim, cheering you on, praying for you, pulling for you, intervening on your behalf, and waiting with open arms at the valley's end. Sometimes, they will even break the rules and walk beside you. Or come in and carry you out.
Girlfriends, daughters, granddaughters, daughters-in-law, sisters, sisters-in-law, Mothers, Grandmothers, aunties, nieces, cousins, and extended family, all bless our life! The world wouldn't be the same without women, and neither would I. When we began this adventure called womanhood, we had no idea of the incredible joys or sorrows that lay ahead. Nor did we know how much we would need each other. Every day, we need each other still.
As I grow and (hopefully) mature, I've learned the value of having women in my life. I went through a period when I first moved to Wichita where I could count on one hand the number of girlfriends I had -- not counting old camp girlfriends. I thought all women were catty bitches to each other and would only be friends with me to get at the men I knew. All women were jealous of each other, and who needed that? In all honesty, a lot of the women I knew when I was 20-23 WERE that way, and some were not. I have learned to distinguish the two, I myself have grown, and I have gained some beautiful girlfriends.
When I defended my masters thesis, my primary advisor remarked that she had never seen so many personal friends show up. I DID have a lot of friends there, and the vast majority of them were women. I had to walk the valley of that defense alone, but my girlfriends were there cheering me on. Their energy and their love bolstered me through all the days leading up to that point, and their love was waiting for me at the end.
So I'm going to take this chance to tell my sisters just what they mean to me.
To my family of the heart, my soul sisters -- Anita, Jonikka, Jessie, Edie, Lisa, Naomi, Z, Melissa -- you are the ones who get to see everything about me. The good, the bad, the ugly. You know every secret of my soul, every desire of my heart, every insecurity of my brain, and you love me anyway. I truly wish there were words to express my feelings and my gratitude. Thank you for loving me in spite of me, for helping me grow, for being brutally honest, for always being there.
To all my "old" girlfriends -- Gina, Kim, Suz, Stacie, Jennifer, Tammy, Jenni, Lori, Barb, Ann, Amy, Maria, Isabel -- many of you have known me since we were little at camp, some of you met me later. ALL of you have helped me become a better person in your own special ways.
To my mentor -- Karen -- I never could have gotten this far if you hadn't decided to take a chance. I know you had to have had reservations, but you looked past the wheelchair to see the person. You guided me with gentle advice, nurturing me to be the scientist you could see in me. You gave me sturdy love, being a friend as well as an advisor.
To my dear friends -- Diana, Vicki, Kerry, E, Lynlee, Debra, Natalie, Erica, Ashley, Carol, Elaine -- Your encouragement and your cheering have helped me through so much. I only hope I can return the same to you.
To all my new friends -- Alysha, Amanda, Anna, Rachel, Laura, Danielle, Teresa, Yvette, Natalie -- thank you for giving me yet more opportunities to develop my friendship toward others, to learn how to be a better girlfriend.
To my family -- Mom, Aunt Chrys, Sarah, Jenny, Grandma Ruth, Grandma Betty, Aunt Brenda, Aunt Shelly, Aunt Sandy, Aunt Joyce, Aunt Sandy, Sonya, Nicole, Tammie, Amanda, Kyla, Tara, Ann, Rustee, Selena, Jenika, Beth, Vonda, Linda, Vana, Sandy, Aunt Dee, Aunt Deenie, Aunt Ruth, Aunt Carol, all my great-grandmothers and great-great-grandmothers I never knew -- most of you have known me my whole life, and the rest have known me YOUR whole lives, and a couple have married into the family and are still getting to know me. You were my first encouragers, the first ones to tell me I could do and be whoever and whatever I wanted. Even the ones who poo-pooed my choices added to that determination. I will be forever grateful for your lessons -- good and bad.
To my blood sister -- Stacy -- you already know what we've taught each other and what you still teach me.
To all my sisters -- a thank you that is pathetic in its inadequacy.
A young wife sat on a sofa on a hot humid day, drinking iced tea and visiting with her Mother. As they talked about life, about marriage, about the responsibilities of life and the obligations of adulthood, the mother clinked the ice cubes in her glass thoughtfully and turned a clear, sober glance upon her daughter.
"Don't forget your Sisters," she advised, swirling the tea leaves to the bottom of her glass. "They'll be more important as you get older. No matter how much you love your husband, no matter how much you love the children you may have, you are still going to need Sisters. Remember to go places with them now and then; do things with them."
Remember that 'Sisters' means ALL the women... Your girlfriends, your daughters, and all your other women relatives too. "You'll need other women. Women always do." 'What a funny piece of advice!' the young woman thought. 'Haven't I just gotten married? Haven't I just joined the couple-world? I'm now a married woman, for goodness sake! A grownup! Surely my husband and the family we may start will be all I need t o make my life worthwhile!' But she listened to her Mother. She kept contact with her Sisters and made more women friends each year. As the years tumbled by, one after another, she gradually came to understand that her Mom really knew what she was talking about.
As time and nature work their changes and their mysteries upon a woman, Sisters are the mainstays of her life. After more than 50 years of living in this world, here is what I've learned:
Time passes.
Life happens.
Distance separates.
Children grow up.
Jobs come and go.
Love waxes and wanes.
Men don't do what they're supposed to do.
Hearts break.
Parents die.
Colleagues forget favors.
Careers end.
BUT.........
Sisters are there, no matter how much time and how many miles are between you.
A girl friend is never farther away than needing her can reach.
When you have to walk that lonesome valley and you have to walk it by yourself, the women in your life will be on the valley's rim, cheering you on, praying for you, pulling for you, intervening on your behalf, and waiting with open arms at the valley's end. Sometimes, they will even break the rules and walk beside you. Or come in and carry you out.
Girlfriends, daughters, granddaughters, daughters-in-law, sisters, sisters-in-law, Mothers, Grandmothers, aunties, nieces, cousins, and extended family, all bless our life! The world wouldn't be the same without women, and neither would I. When we began this adventure called womanhood, we had no idea of the incredible joys or sorrows that lay ahead. Nor did we know how much we would need each other. Every day, we need each other still.
As I grow and (hopefully) mature, I've learned the value of having women in my life. I went through a period when I first moved to Wichita where I could count on one hand the number of girlfriends I had -- not counting old camp girlfriends. I thought all women were catty bitches to each other and would only be friends with me to get at the men I knew. All women were jealous of each other, and who needed that? In all honesty, a lot of the women I knew when I was 20-23 WERE that way, and some were not. I have learned to distinguish the two, I myself have grown, and I have gained some beautiful girlfriends.
When I defended my masters thesis, my primary advisor remarked that she had never seen so many personal friends show up. I DID have a lot of friends there, and the vast majority of them were women. I had to walk the valley of that defense alone, but my girlfriends were there cheering me on. Their energy and their love bolstered me through all the days leading up to that point, and their love was waiting for me at the end.
So I'm going to take this chance to tell my sisters just what they mean to me.
To my family of the heart, my soul sisters -- Anita, Jonikka, Jessie, Edie, Lisa, Naomi, Z, Melissa -- you are the ones who get to see everything about me. The good, the bad, the ugly. You know every secret of my soul, every desire of my heart, every insecurity of my brain, and you love me anyway. I truly wish there were words to express my feelings and my gratitude. Thank you for loving me in spite of me, for helping me grow, for being brutally honest, for always being there.
To all my "old" girlfriends -- Gina, Kim, Suz, Stacie, Jennifer, Tammy, Jenni, Lori, Barb, Ann, Amy, Maria, Isabel -- many of you have known me since we were little at camp, some of you met me later. ALL of you have helped me become a better person in your own special ways.
To my mentor -- Karen -- I never could have gotten this far if you hadn't decided to take a chance. I know you had to have had reservations, but you looked past the wheelchair to see the person. You guided me with gentle advice, nurturing me to be the scientist you could see in me. You gave me sturdy love, being a friend as well as an advisor.
To my dear friends -- Diana, Vicki, Kerry, E, Lynlee, Debra, Natalie, Erica, Ashley, Carol, Elaine -- Your encouragement and your cheering have helped me through so much. I only hope I can return the same to you.
To all my new friends -- Alysha, Amanda, Anna, Rachel, Laura, Danielle, Teresa, Yvette, Natalie -- thank you for giving me yet more opportunities to develop my friendship toward others, to learn how to be a better girlfriend.
To my family -- Mom, Aunt Chrys, Sarah, Jenny, Grandma Ruth, Grandma Betty, Aunt Brenda, Aunt Shelly, Aunt Sandy, Aunt Joyce, Aunt Sandy, Sonya, Nicole, Tammie, Amanda, Kyla, Tara, Ann, Rustee, Selena, Jenika, Beth, Vonda, Linda, Vana, Sandy, Aunt Dee, Aunt Deenie, Aunt Ruth, Aunt Carol, all my great-grandmothers and great-great-grandmothers I never knew -- most of you have known me my whole life, and the rest have known me YOUR whole lives, and a couple have married into the family and are still getting to know me. You were my first encouragers, the first ones to tell me I could do and be whoever and whatever I wanted. Even the ones who poo-pooed my choices added to that determination. I will be forever grateful for your lessons -- good and bad.
To my blood sister -- Stacy -- you already know what we've taught each other and what you still teach me.
To all my sisters -- a thank you that is pathetic in its inadequacy.
Tuesday, January 31, 2006
How I Love Living in a Small Town, OR, Adventures in Movie-Going
My friend Elizabeth came up yesterday from the "big city" so we could go to a movie together. We've been trying to arrange this pretty much since I got back to KS in September. I chose for us to go to Mac rather than Newton or Hutch because Underworld started later there, plus it was closer. The theater in Mac is basically a storefront with on-the-street parking rather than a parking lot. So E -- who hasn't driven a van in many, MANY moons -- wouldn't have to back out on to Main Street after the movie, I advised her to go up a half a block and park in the USD office lot. We got to see the entire movie in a private showing because we're so special -- i.e., we were the first ones (and the only ones) to show up to see that showing, and being a small-town theater, they didn't start it until someone showed up to see it, even if they WERE late.
After the movie (it was about 6:15 or so), we walked calmly back to the USD office and got in the van. We truly WERE calm because we'd been lulled into sleepiness by the dark theater. Yeah, I know -- we're party animals. I noticed a janitor cleaning the office windows -- he glanced at us and then walked into the building. After a couple of minutes of trying to turn on the headlights (Mom has never clearly explained to me where the switch is so I can tell others) and THOROUGHLY cleaning my windshield in the process (oops, wrong one), we sedately pulled out of the lot and head back toward my house. E was carefully watching the speed limit signs because Heaven knows you DO NOT want to get stopped by a cop in a small town.
We had just cleared the downtown business area when we noticed flashing lights in the rearview mirrors.
What was I just saying about getting stopped by a cop in a small town?
We pulled over and started quizzing each other while waiting for the cop to approach.
Me: "Did we run a red light?"
E: "I don't think so."
Me: "Well you sure weren't speeding."
E: "Nnnnoooooo."
The nice young policeman walked up then.
Officer F: "The reason I pulled you over . . . . You know that parking lot you were in back there?"
E and me: "Yes."
Officer F: "Well, the janitor called and reported that you looked suspicious."
We explained to the nice young occifer why we were parked there, and he said OK but he needs to check E's license anyway. As he is doing so, we started laughing.
E: "Well, you do know, of course, that serial killers typically drive big white vans."
Me: "Yes, but do they typically have vanity plates on their vans?"
E: "You have a vanity plate? What does it say?"
Me: "Killer8." ::much laughing:: "No, not really. By the way, you don't have any bench warrants, do you?"
E: "I don't think so, but I guess we'll find out."
She didn't, and we were allowed to continue on our way. E said, to give the guy credit, he DID seem a bit embarassed to pull us over. ::snort:: He just doesn't know what a 5'2" woman and gimp can do on a good day, now does he?
Mom and Dad laughed about it when we told them, and Mom told me later she was going to have to restrict my going out with friends if we couldn't control our rabble rousing. ::grin:: If she only knew . . . .
Well, the more Dad thought about it, the more irritated he got. So this morning he'd worked himself up and called the USD office on the way to his doctor's appointments. Neither the superintendent nor his/her assistant was there (what'd he expect -- he was calling at just after 8 am), but he did talk to the person who was "in charge" of the janitor. When he opened with, "I have a complaint about your janitor," the guy replied, "Oh man, not again."
Truly, I tried to talk Dad out of calling, but he said, "No, that's just ridiculous. You're in a wheelchair and Elizabeth looks like she's about 80 pounds. Just how threatening could you guys have looked? It was harassment, pure and simple." Oh well. That's my protective Daddy.
After the movie (it was about 6:15 or so), we walked calmly back to the USD office and got in the van. We truly WERE calm because we'd been lulled into sleepiness by the dark theater. Yeah, I know -- we're party animals. I noticed a janitor cleaning the office windows -- he glanced at us and then walked into the building. After a couple of minutes of trying to turn on the headlights (Mom has never clearly explained to me where the switch is so I can tell others) and THOROUGHLY cleaning my windshield in the process (oops, wrong one), we sedately pulled out of the lot and head back toward my house. E was carefully watching the speed limit signs because Heaven knows you DO NOT want to get stopped by a cop in a small town.
We had just cleared the downtown business area when we noticed flashing lights in the rearview mirrors.
What was I just saying about getting stopped by a cop in a small town?
We pulled over and started quizzing each other while waiting for the cop to approach.
Me: "Did we run a red light?"
E: "I don't think so."
Me: "Well you sure weren't speeding."
E: "Nnnnoooooo."
The nice young policeman walked up then.
Officer F: "The reason I pulled you over . . . . You know that parking lot you were in back there?"
E and me: "Yes."
Officer F: "Well, the janitor called and reported that you looked suspicious."
We explained to the nice young occifer why we were parked there, and he said OK but he needs to check E's license anyway. As he is doing so, we started laughing.
E: "Well, you do know, of course, that serial killers typically drive big white vans."
Me: "Yes, but do they typically have vanity plates on their vans?"
E: "You have a vanity plate? What does it say?"
Me: "Killer8." ::much laughing:: "No, not really. By the way, you don't have any bench warrants, do you?"
E: "I don't think so, but I guess we'll find out."
She didn't, and we were allowed to continue on our way. E said, to give the guy credit, he DID seem a bit embarassed to pull us over. ::snort:: He just doesn't know what a 5'2" woman and gimp can do on a good day, now does he?
Mom and Dad laughed about it when we told them, and Mom told me later she was going to have to restrict my going out with friends if we couldn't control our rabble rousing. ::grin:: If she only knew . . . .
Well, the more Dad thought about it, the more irritated he got. So this morning he'd worked himself up and called the USD office on the way to his doctor's appointments. Neither the superintendent nor his/her assistant was there (what'd he expect -- he was calling at just after 8 am), but he did talk to the person who was "in charge" of the janitor. When he opened with, "I have a complaint about your janitor," the guy replied, "Oh man, not again."
Truly, I tried to talk Dad out of calling, but he said, "No, that's just ridiculous. You're in a wheelchair and Elizabeth looks like she's about 80 pounds. Just how threatening could you guys have looked? It was harassment, pure and simple." Oh well. That's my protective Daddy.
Sunday, January 29, 2006
NOLA pics
One of these days, I'll figure out how to get these to post in the order I want them!
This is my goofy pal Erica. On her way to my apartment one Sunday afternoon to help me use the bathroom and make supper, she cut across campus via a different route on her bike and happened across some Indian students having a festival at the amphitheater. She stopped to listen to the music, and a little boy invited her in. Next thing she knew, she had pink powder on her face!
I doubt that she'll be returning to NOLA because all she has left to complete her masters in public health is her internship. That she'll be doing either in Mexico or Central America (most likely the former) because her interests lie with Latino communities. I'll miss her because she was the one person I could always count on for a laugh. She always knows how to cheer me up.
She's also the only person who has ever gotten me to dance in a club. She talked me into salsa dancing with her at the Blue Nile when we took out my next door neighbor before he moved to Chicago. Yeah, she's crazy like that -- and no, I hadn't been drinking!
This is my goofy pal Erica. On her way to my apartment one Sunday afternoon to help me use the bathroom and make supper, she cut across campus via a different route on her bike and happened across some Indian students having a festival at the amphitheater. She stopped to listen to the music, and a little boy invited her in. Next thing she knew, she had pink powder on her face!
I doubt that she'll be returning to NOLA because all she has left to complete her masters in public health is her internship. That she'll be doing either in Mexico or Central America (most likely the former) because her interests lie with Latino communities. I'll miss her because she was the one person I could always count on for a laugh. She always knows how to cheer me up.
She's also the only person who has ever gotten me to dance in a club. She talked me into salsa dancing with her at the Blue Nile when we took out my next door neighbor before he moved to Chicago. Yeah, she's crazy like that -- and no, I hadn't been drinking!
Here is a great shot taken by my pal Natalie (you'll meet her in a minute) of one of the many mimosa trees by the Liberal Arts building on campus. There's a giant yard on the North side of the building that is nothing but mimosa and magnolia trees. It's beautiful when they're all in bloom (about April and May), and the energy of the trees is phenomenal. I shudder to think what happened to them in the hurricane.
This is my pal Melissa. She was a masters student in the bio department and had the desk next to mine. We shared an office for about four or five months before we finally became friends. Part of it was our conflicting schedules, part of it was me taking forever to warm up to new people -- we all KNOW how I am. We discovered we had a lot in common, especially our life philosophies. She is also the person who introduced me to sushi.
In this pic, Erica, Natalie, Natalie's man at that time, and I were having an end-of-the-semester barbecue. Melissa stopped by but couldn't attend because she was getting ready to move back to Pennsylvania. She'd had it with her thesis advisor and was taking a job with a pharmaceutical company back home. She's much happier, but I miss her terribly.
This is a crepe myrtle. These lovely trees come with blooms from white to lilac (seen here) to deep purple to pale pink to magenta. They remind me of lilacs though they don't have a scent. This particular specimen grows in front of the apartment building next door to mine (you can see the end of my building behind the pine tree on the left). Two lilac-colored crepe myrtles grow in front of my building, but they hadn't fully bloomed at the time of this photo because they faced the West.
And here is Natalie. She is the third of my best pals I've made in NOLA (Erica and 'Lissa being the other two). Natalie is the one I counted on to be brutally honest. When I had a major shot dealt to my self-esteem, Natalie was the first one I told. Like a good friend, she listened sympathetically, asking questions to be sure she understood what I was feeling but generally lending an ear. Then, also like a good friend, she said, "OK, you've taken a blow to your ego. What are you going to do about it?"
Natalie now lives in NYC attending Columbia for a double masters in public health and social work. Also, interestingly, now she's dating a boy from Kansas. I laughed when she told me that. I'm happy for her, but I miss her terribly as well.
Saturday, January 28, 2006
Some pictures
This is the dreamcatcher my "niece" Jamie and my "sister" Frances made me for my birthday. I got it after Christmas because "you were far away on your birthday, Aunty Dawn." I love that the webbing makes a star in the center. When Mom was hanging it, Jamie told me that she has a dreamcatcher, too. Mom asked her if she knew who had made it, and she shrugged. Her eyes got huge when I told her I made it for her when she was a little baby (she's four now). "You made my dreamcatcher, Aunty Dawn? Now *I* made one for *you*!"
Here are the "snugglin' boys" -- Rebel in the background, Rommel in the fore. Can you believe Rommel isn't even a year old yet?
Yes, that's my Reba girl all cocooned in my old baby blanket. She gets chilly after having her hair cut (which she did yesterday), so Mom covers her up -- usually only when we go to bed, but Mom decided Reba might want to take a nap while I had a bathroom break this afternoon. Personally, I think Mom just spoils the dog!
This pic is for Lynlee. A few months ago, L had a "guess how many full skeins of yarn I have" contest, and I won third place. The prize was yarn. Some of my loot was Lion Brand Watercolors yarn, and Mom and I decided to make my eight-year-old second cousin Selena a poncho because she LOOOOVES pink -- and I thought she'd look great in this hot pink (she has beautiful skin thanks to her Hispanic daddy). Rather than crocheting the tie like the instructions said, we decided to thread some coordinating turquoise ribbon through the neck. The poncho was a massive hit with Selena.
Well, this has been fun, but dial-up takes forever to upload the pics. I'll try to post more tomorrow. Have some pics of my pals in NOLA I'd like to share.
Thursday, January 26, 2006
Meme
Four Jobs You Have Had In Your Life
1. Student assistant in counseling office at Hutch JUCO and at WSU admissions.
2. Freshman advisor for WSU housing
3. Graduate assistant
4. Academic instructor for UBMS and for bio
Four Movies You Could Watch Over and Over
1. Harry Potters
2. LOTRs
3. Jurassic Park -- Jeff Goldblum in black -- hubba hubba!
4. Sense and Sensibility -- Alan Rickman, baby!
Four Places You Have Lived
1. Trimley St. Martin, England
2. Barksdale AFB, Shreveport, LA
3. Buhler, KS
4. NOLA
Four TV Shows You Love(d) to Watch
1. MacGyver
2. Both Stargates
3. The Sentinel -- IT'S COMING OUT ON DVD!!!!!
4. Numb3rs
Four Places You Have Been on Vacation
1-4. What's a vacation?
Four Places You Want to Visit
1. Scotland
2. Greece
3. Africa (anywhere)
4. Germany
Four Websites You Visit Daily
1. My LJ friends page
2. Lynlee
3. Elizabeth
4. My UNO email for more FEMA updates
Four of Your Favorite Foods
1. Dad's chili
2. Mom's meatloaf
3. Naomi's chicken burritos
4. My shrimp/chicken/catfish/some-combo-of-those creole
Four Things Currently on the Floor in Your Car
1-4. Leaves that were stuck to my tires (I'm anal about keeping my van clean, but I haven't gotten around to getting the leaves vacuumed out yet)
Four Bloggers You are Tagging
1. E
2. Gina
3. Stacie
4. Amanda
1. Student assistant in counseling office at Hutch JUCO and at WSU admissions.
2. Freshman advisor for WSU housing
3. Graduate assistant
4. Academic instructor for UBMS and for bio
Four Movies You Could Watch Over and Over
1. Harry Potters
2. LOTRs
3. Jurassic Park -- Jeff Goldblum in black -- hubba hubba!
4. Sense and Sensibility -- Alan Rickman, baby!
Four Places You Have Lived
1. Trimley St. Martin, England
2. Barksdale AFB, Shreveport, LA
3. Buhler, KS
4. NOLA
Four TV Shows You Love(d) to Watch
1. MacGyver
2. Both Stargates
3. The Sentinel -- IT'S COMING OUT ON DVD!!!!!
4. Numb3rs
Four Places You Have Been on Vacation
1-4. What's a vacation?
Four Places You Want to Visit
1. Scotland
2. Greece
3. Africa (anywhere)
4. Germany
Four Websites You Visit Daily
1. My LJ friends page
2. Lynlee
3. Elizabeth
4. My UNO email for more FEMA updates
Four of Your Favorite Foods
1. Dad's chili
2. Mom's meatloaf
3. Naomi's chicken burritos
4. My shrimp/chicken/catfish/some-combo-of-those creole
Four Things Currently on the Floor in Your Car
1-4. Leaves that were stuck to my tires (I'm anal about keeping my van clean, but I haven't gotten around to getting the leaves vacuumed out yet)
Four Bloggers You are Tagging
1. E
2. Gina
3. Stacie
4. Amanda
Sunday, January 22, 2006
Five years ago
Five years ago yesterday, something happened that I thought wouldn't happen for thirty or forty more years at least. Even then, I thought for sure it would happen to me first.
My younger sister died.
Some people say when you have a tragedy of that magnitude happen that everything blurs together and the trauma causes your brain to lock away details as a mode of self-protection.
I and my brain are not normal.
I remember nearly every detail of that day from the moment my brother called to tell me to the moment I went to bed that night. I remember vividly the way all my breath just disappeared -- not in a rush, but just like it vanished. Poof, gone. I remember the confusion I felt that no one knew what had happened. I mean, a 27-year-old doesn't just die for no reason. I remember the sick feeling I got in my stomach when I had to tell my mother. I remember choking on the phone as I told Lady and being amazed when she and Mouse dropped everything to come stay the night with me. I remember fielding a million phone calls on my house phone and my cell phone -- all with Mouse's and Lady's help, thank the Higher. I remember nearly losing it as I listened to my cousin Jimmy crying over the phone -- those side-hitching sobs of the truly heart-broken. I remember asking M and L to get me the hell out of my apartment at about ten that night. I remember buying a Stacy-appropriate blouse to wear to the funeral. I remember getting home and falling completely apart in M's and L's arms -- nearly ten hours after I first got the news -- with those same side-hitching sobs I'd heard from my cousin. I remember thinking that their holding me was the only thing keeping me together, that if not for them, I would have fallen into a pile of sorrow and anger with absolutely no physical form any more. I remember wanting to burst apart with the sorrow and anger, but they just wouldn't let me. And I remember in the middle of the crying, my sister ringing my fish chimes to tell me she was all right, that I would be all right.
Five years ago, my sister died. I thought I was going to die from all the things left unsaid and the hurt.
Obviously, I didn't die, and I think in the ensuing five years I've learned a lot of lessons from my sister's living and dying. I've accepted that she had accomplished the task she had been put here in this life to do, and I've accepted that no matter how much I want to, I may never know what that task was. I've learned that life is too short to hold back on how you feel -- whether you are holding back hurt, anger, and frustration or peace, happiness, and love. Doesn't mean I don't still hold back on some things, though. I've learned I shouldn't, but I'm still learning how to not. I've learned that my sister and I had come to some kind of understanding about our different personalities. I've learned that despite our differences, we loved each other as much as two sisters can. I've learned to fight for what you really believe in. I've learned to never compromise yourself.
Some of these things I learned directly from an examination of my sister's life. Others I've learned from an examination of myself since her death.
And I'm still learning.
My younger sister died.
Some people say when you have a tragedy of that magnitude happen that everything blurs together and the trauma causes your brain to lock away details as a mode of self-protection.
I and my brain are not normal.
I remember nearly every detail of that day from the moment my brother called to tell me to the moment I went to bed that night. I remember vividly the way all my breath just disappeared -- not in a rush, but just like it vanished. Poof, gone. I remember the confusion I felt that no one knew what had happened. I mean, a 27-year-old doesn't just die for no reason. I remember the sick feeling I got in my stomach when I had to tell my mother. I remember choking on the phone as I told Lady and being amazed when she and Mouse dropped everything to come stay the night with me. I remember fielding a million phone calls on my house phone and my cell phone -- all with Mouse's and Lady's help, thank the Higher. I remember nearly losing it as I listened to my cousin Jimmy crying over the phone -- those side-hitching sobs of the truly heart-broken. I remember asking M and L to get me the hell out of my apartment at about ten that night. I remember buying a Stacy-appropriate blouse to wear to the funeral. I remember getting home and falling completely apart in M's and L's arms -- nearly ten hours after I first got the news -- with those same side-hitching sobs I'd heard from my cousin. I remember thinking that their holding me was the only thing keeping me together, that if not for them, I would have fallen into a pile of sorrow and anger with absolutely no physical form any more. I remember wanting to burst apart with the sorrow and anger, but they just wouldn't let me. And I remember in the middle of the crying, my sister ringing my fish chimes to tell me she was all right, that I would be all right.
Five years ago, my sister died. I thought I was going to die from all the things left unsaid and the hurt.
Obviously, I didn't die, and I think in the ensuing five years I've learned a lot of lessons from my sister's living and dying. I've accepted that she had accomplished the task she had been put here in this life to do, and I've accepted that no matter how much I want to, I may never know what that task was. I've learned that life is too short to hold back on how you feel -- whether you are holding back hurt, anger, and frustration or peace, happiness, and love. Doesn't mean I don't still hold back on some things, though. I've learned I shouldn't, but I'm still learning how to not. I've learned that my sister and I had come to some kind of understanding about our different personalities. I've learned that despite our differences, we loved each other as much as two sisters can. I've learned to fight for what you really believe in. I've learned to never compromise yourself.
Some of these things I learned directly from an examination of my sister's life. Others I've learned from an examination of myself since her death.
And I'm still learning.
Saturday, December 31, 2005
X marks the spot -- from Lynlee
"X" your confessions:
[ ] I'm afraid of the quiet
[ ] I am really ticklish
[ ] I'm afraid of the dark
[X] I'm afraid of facing my back to open doors at night (or anytime, for that matter)
[ ] I believe in true love
[ ] I've run away from home
[X] I listen to political music (I'm counting my friend Steve's "angry" album, here)
[ ] I collect comic books
[X] I shut others out when I'm sad
[ ] I open up to others easily
[X] I am keeping a secret
[X] I watch the news
[ ] I own more than 5 rap CDs
[X] I own something from Hot Topic (well, I did until it was ruined by mold)
[X] I love Disney movies (some of them, anyway)
[X] I'm a sucker for blue eyes (or brown, doesn't matter)
[X] I don't kill bugs
[X] I curse regularly
[ ] I have "x"s in my screen name
[ ] I've slipped out an "lol" in actual conversation
[ ] I love spam (spam spam spam spam spammity spam!!)
[ ] I bake well
[X] I have worn pajamas to class
[ ] I have owned something from Abercrombie
[X] I have a job
[ ] I love Martha Stewart
[X] I've tried alcohol
[ ] I drink alcohol on a regular basis
[ ] I've tried a cigarette
[ ] I've smoked a pack in one day
[ ] I have cough drops when I'm not sick
[ ] I can't swallow pills
[X] I have many scars
[X] I've been out of this country
[ ] I can't sleep if there's a spider in the room
[X] I love chocolate
[ ] I bite my nails
[ ] I'm comfortable with being myself around EVERYONE
[X] I play computer games when I'm bored
[X] Gotten lost in the city
[X] Seen a shooting star
[X] Had a serious surgery
[X] Hugged and/or kissed a stranger (gotta love Latinos)
[ ] Been arrested
[X] Pushed all the buttons on an elevator
[ ] Made out in an elevator
[X] Swore at my parents
[ ] Kicked a guy where it hurts
[X] Gotten stitches
[X] Bitten someone (but only because my mom MADE me)
[X] Crashed into a car (with my wheelchair trying to go across the seriously sloped Levitt arena parking lot when it was covered in ice)
[ ] Shoplifted
[ ] Been fired
[X] Had feelings for someone who didn't have them back
[ ] Stolen money/profitable items from work
[X] Stolen supplies from work
[X] Had a crush on a teacher/coach
[ ] Slept with a co-worker
[ ] Been married
[ ] Gotten divorced
[X] Saw someone/something dying
[ ] Been to Canada
[X] Been on a plane
[ ] Thrown up in a bar
[ ] I'm afraid of the quiet
[ ] I am really ticklish
[ ] I'm afraid of the dark
[X] I'm afraid of facing my back to open doors at night (or anytime, for that matter)
[ ] I believe in true love
[ ] I've run away from home
[X] I listen to political music (I'm counting my friend Steve's "angry" album, here)
[ ] I collect comic books
[X] I shut others out when I'm sad
[ ] I open up to others easily
[X] I am keeping a secret
[X] I watch the news
[ ] I own more than 5 rap CDs
[X] I own something from Hot Topic (well, I did until it was ruined by mold)
[X] I love Disney movies (some of them, anyway)
[X] I'm a sucker for blue eyes (or brown, doesn't matter)
[X] I don't kill bugs
[X] I curse regularly
[ ] I have "x"s in my screen name
[ ] I've slipped out an "lol" in actual conversation
[ ] I love spam (spam spam spam spam spammity spam!!)
[ ] I bake well
[X] I have worn pajamas to class
[ ] I have owned something from Abercrombie
[X] I have a job
[ ] I love Martha Stewart
[X] I've tried alcohol
[ ] I drink alcohol on a regular basis
[ ] I've tried a cigarette
[ ] I've smoked a pack in one day
[ ] I have cough drops when I'm not sick
[ ] I can't swallow pills
[X] I have many scars
[X] I've been out of this country
[ ] I can't sleep if there's a spider in the room
[X] I love chocolate
[ ] I bite my nails
[ ] I'm comfortable with being myself around EVERYONE
[X] I play computer games when I'm bored
[X] Gotten lost in the city
[X] Seen a shooting star
[X] Had a serious surgery
[X] Hugged and/or kissed a stranger (gotta love Latinos)
[ ] Been arrested
[X] Pushed all the buttons on an elevator
[ ] Made out in an elevator
[X] Swore at my parents
[ ] Kicked a guy where it hurts
[X] Gotten stitches
[X] Bitten someone (but only because my mom MADE me)
[X] Crashed into a car (with my wheelchair trying to go across the seriously sloped Levitt arena parking lot when it was covered in ice)
[ ] Shoplifted
[ ] Been fired
[X] Had feelings for someone who didn't have them back
[ ] Stolen money/profitable items from work
[X] Stolen supplies from work
[X] Had a crush on a teacher/coach
[ ] Slept with a co-worker
[ ] Been married
[ ] Gotten divorced
[X] Saw someone/something dying
[ ] Been to Canada
[X] Been on a plane
[ ] Thrown up in a bar
Wednesday, December 21, 2005
Overdue health and NOLA updates
Apparently my mitral valve prolapse (which my cardiologist also heard) is not serious enough to be seen on a ultrasound, so Dr. B (my cardiologist) is not worried about it at all. She DID, however, see that my tricuspid valve (the one between the RIGHT atrium and ventricle) is wonky, but she said that particular valve just isn't all that important. She told me about a 90-year-old Indian woman in the SW she saw once that popped hers completely apart carrying a sheep down a mountain. She declined having the valve repaired, and a year later she was still carting sheep down the mountain. Since I'm probably going to be here until at least February, Dr. B did go ahead and switch my prescription vasodilator to a different one. I take the medicine to dilate the blood vessels in my legs to reduce edema, and turns out a side effect of Adalat (the med I was taking) is edema. Not only that, but it is such a powerful vasodilator that it tricks the heart and makes it pump harder and faster, thus a potential cause of my resting heart rate (80 beats per minute on average, sometimes higher) and my heart palpitations.
See, this is why when taking "heart" medications, you should really be under the care/supervision of a cardiologist. Make a note, kids.
Dr. B had been reluctant to switch the med last month when she wasn't sure how long I'd be here. She's a conscientious doctor and likes to monitor the patients after a med switch. Imagine that! ::grin:: When she heard I'd be here for at least two more months, she switched me to the lowest dose of Norvasc. Now we just keep an eye on my feet. If I notice swelling, I'm to double my dose. If that doesn't work, we try another med. I started the Norvasc today, and I HAVE noticed that my chest doesn't feel as heavy. Keep your fingers crossed.
Now, about being here. UNO has received authorization for 400 single-wide (16' X 32') FEMA trailers for faculty and student housing for next semester. I talked to Barney last Friday, and he said they likely won't even arrive until February -- two to three weeks AFTER the Spring semester starts. I just don't see how I can live in a single-wide with Reba and at least one other person (they are two bedroom trailers), not to mention I'm sure the bathroom situation would be worse than my campus apartment. So I may be here for a while longer. As such, I will probably enroll in nine hours of research and get my review article cranked out. If I don't, I'll receive a U in the said nine hours of research, and then I might as well start looking for that bank teller job my grandmother always wanted me to get. I am not going there! I'm not!
See, this is why when taking "heart" medications, you should really be under the care/supervision of a cardiologist. Make a note, kids.
Dr. B had been reluctant to switch the med last month when she wasn't sure how long I'd be here. She's a conscientious doctor and likes to monitor the patients after a med switch. Imagine that! ::grin:: When she heard I'd be here for at least two more months, she switched me to the lowest dose of Norvasc. Now we just keep an eye on my feet. If I notice swelling, I'm to double my dose. If that doesn't work, we try another med. I started the Norvasc today, and I HAVE noticed that my chest doesn't feel as heavy. Keep your fingers crossed.
Now, about being here. UNO has received authorization for 400 single-wide (16' X 32') FEMA trailers for faculty and student housing for next semester. I talked to Barney last Friday, and he said they likely won't even arrive until February -- two to three weeks AFTER the Spring semester starts. I just don't see how I can live in a single-wide with Reba and at least one other person (they are two bedroom trailers), not to mention I'm sure the bathroom situation would be worse than my campus apartment. So I may be here for a while longer. As such, I will probably enroll in nine hours of research and get my review article cranked out. If I don't, I'll receive a U in the said nine hours of research, and then I might as well start looking for that bank teller job my grandmother always wanted me to get. I am not going there! I'm not!